It has been going on for a while now – my grudge for not getting promoted.  Here is my confession.

For 14 years, I have been trying to get promoted.  My performance evaluations have received competent to very good grades.  However, I have been denied promotion over the course of time.

I gruntled and recently I have had money problems.  I am the breadwinner of the family and my husband cannot find another job because he takes care of me when my mind shuts down and my mental illness takes over.  Yesterday, I thought and thought about the problem.  The problem overtook me and I began figuring out ways to get the money or make the most of my employee benefits or to “reevaluate” my priorities.

I started thinking of my priorities.  My vocation is my family.  This led me to plan to spend the next month (6, 2 hours and 45 minutes) at my daughter’s volleyball game.  This plan was set back because when I applied to be off using county benefit time (my benefit in my current position), management rejected the time off.  I appealed and asked if I could make up the time I would be absent.  This was rejected by management again.  Management thought that the days off would impact the division operations.  Advanced notice of approval of time off would have mitigated this.  And, I was told that other mothers who want to attend their children’s volleyball games are not encouraged to do so.

By this time, I was pre-meditating on how I can make them pay for not promoting me for 14 years and resolve my money problems.  I had to take this matter into my own hands.  After all, this is my life.  I thought.  I needed to cleverly make sure I document the rejections for requests for absences over a period of one year.  And, I would begin filing a complaint with the ombudsman against management.  I would use the documentation (emails with management) to support my complaint.  Moreover, these emails would be carefully written to hide my motives (frustration over be passed up for promotion over the years and stress from money problems).  This pre-meditation started affecting my attitude then management made the decision that I have to use my own time.  My negativity grew.  My mind grew with captive thoughts – why can’t I use my benefit time?  Why can’t I be different from other mothers?  Is my priority my work or my daughter?  If I were to use my own time, at my performance evaluation, management would give me a poor evaluation for attendance which they have done before.  Management would wait until the evaluation to give me a grade of poor attendance, although those days off were previously approved by management.  (They could have rejected it, but they did not.)  The pre-meditation continued.  I needed to make them pay.

All these thoughts happened and my heart and mind became a raging fire, hungry for payback.  Then, God just connected with me and took over me.  He wanted me to feel his merciful love for my worries and stop the path I was about to take.  God, through the Holy Spirit, touched my heart and whispered into me – “Please listen to me and do not follow this path.”  The Holy Spirit continues to whisper, “The payback is the wrong motivation for this response to the situation. Prophesize life, not death.  Give a response that is NOT motivated by the attitude of payback because though it is tempting, know to avoid this type of motivation.  It can only hurt others and bring hell in life.  Be motivated by love and all the virtues and all the graces you have been building upon these past few years, as Jesus died for the salvation of mankind (His motivation was filled with God’s will and love).  Be righteous in the heart, mind, and soul.”

I responded, “Thank you, Lord, for coming to my aid.  Lest I stray into the wrong path.  I do not want to be spiritually dead.  I want to continue along your path to heaven.”

After the whisper, I regained composure and am sharing with this community.  Although my money problem is not solved and I have to use my own time to attend my daughter’s volleyball match, I have chosen to take the path of the Lord:  not to worry and not seek vengeance, and continue to pray and receive His merciful love.  If anyone of you ever comes into a similar situation and there is that little voice that begs you to stop, I implore you to stop and return to the right path.

Jesus continues to be my answer.